The Glory Hole Got a Twenty-First Century Makeover

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Good news! As you may have heard, the Chinese have invented a hands-free automatic sperm extractor for donors, which is basically just a flashlight vagina attached to a giant refrigerator/computer. The machine is pink, gray, and white (like a pussy), and has a pipe at the front of it for your penis (again). The pipe can be adjusted based on your height, and speed, frequency, amplitude, and temperature are also controllable (which means it’s better than a vagina). So I guess you just shove your wiener into this magical glory hole and then it squeezes onto your private parts until you blow a majestic load of baby-making solution. Then it gets packaged into straws and then a woman buys it on the internet and then you’re a dad. Holy shit, where has this been for the last 200,000 years?

Knowing that this exists makes me wonder about the state of the world/humanity/time. Firstly, this seems like such a simple idea—why did it take so long to get invented? Did sperm donors have a big meeting and decide that jerking off into a cup was too primitive and disgusting? Or were nurses just tired of holding hot cups of jizz in their hands?…