The Glory Hole Got a Twenty-First Century Makeover

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Good news! As you may have heard, the Chinese have invented a hands-free automatic sperm extractor for donors, which is basically just a flashlight vagina attached to a giant refrigerator/computer. The machine is pink, gray, and white (like a pussy), and has a pipe at the front of it for your penis (again). The pipe can be adjusted based on your height, and speed, frequency, amplitude, and temperature are also controllable (which means it’s better than a vagina). So I guess you just shove your wiener into this magical glory hole and then it squeezes onto your private parts until you blow a majestic load of baby-making solution. Then it gets packaged into straws and then a woman buys it on the internet and then you’re a dad. Holy shit, where has this been for the last 200,000 years?

Knowing that this exists makes me wonder about the state of the world/humanity/time. Firstly, this seems like such a simple idea—why did it take so long to get invented? Did sperm donors have a big meeting and decide that jerking off into a cup was too primitive and disgusting? Or were nurses just tired of holding hot cups of jizz in their hands? (Who could ever get tired of that?) And why the FUCK does China, of all places, need any more sperm sloshing around into people’s vaginas? Where are they going to put all these kids? In sausages, I hope? Youth-in-Asia? 😉

What really excites me about this though is the fact that children will be able to grow up with a slightly more sophisticated concept of paternity. As a donor child, when I think about my biological father mysteriously jerking off into a machine instead of into his own hands with a dirty Playboy magazine from the clinic’s office, a little glimmer of happiness dances around in my heart. Every time I look at this machine I pretend it’s my father and he’s speaking to me in a squeaky high-pitched robot voice going, “Kara! You are a part of me, you are my blood. I love you!”

Kids everywhere are going to grow up being able to say, “My father put his penis into a robot and now I’m alive,” which is an opportunity that I have been robbed of. This just proves how far we’ve come in the evolution of artificial insemination. For instance, in 1987, my brother’s sperm donor dad was literally just jerking off in a room next to my mom’s, while a nurse stood by ready to run the hot batch over and insert it. Then, when I was conceived in 1990, the sperm was mailed from somewhere in Georgia (HELLO!? WHERE ARE YOU, DAD??) and shoved into my mamma’s slippery hoobastank. So that means in three years scientists discovered that you can make popsicles out of semen, or, as we like to call them, “Jizz Pops.” (Ironic name, considering the word “pops” makes me cry.)

Now you don’t even have to go to a clinic. You can just order semen off the internet and filter your father-searches based on school diplomas, ethnicities, IQ levels, etc. (WOW!!!)

But I think this sperm extractor machine could be used for something even better. I think that we should learn how to connect these machines to the internet, and I also think that women should have to get fucked with a prosthetic penis (especially if they want to get pregnant with artificial semen) just like in a Sasha Grey porn. I think we should hook these machines up to the computer and use them to have sex with people from far away. The machine could also just recycle semen by internally blowing it up with explosives. Then people will finally be able to maintain monogamous long distance relationships and/or never actually have to meet each other, ever. It would be SO EASY to do this. WHY DOESN’T THIS EXIST YET? By way of example, check out this fucking thing. It’s a little kiss machine so you can give kisses to people you love over Skype. Finally! All this semen machine is missing are cute little rabbit ears and pom-poms and googly eyes.