Good news! As you may have heard, the Chinese have invented a hands-free automatic sperm extractor for donors, which is basically just a flashlight vagina attached to a giant refrigerator/computer. The machine is pink, gray, and white (like a pussy), and has a pipe at the front of it for your penis (again). The pipe can be adjusted based on your height, and speed, frequency, amplitude, and temperature are also controllable (which means it’s better than a vagina). So I guess you just shove your wiener into this magical glory hole and then it squeezes onto your private parts until you blow a majestic load of baby-making solution. Then it gets packaged into straws and then a woman buys it on the internet and then you’re a dad. Holy shit, where has this been for the last 200,000 years?
Knowing that this exists makes me wonder about the state of the world/humanity/time. Firstly, this seems like such a simple idea—why did it take so long to get invented? Did sperm donors have a big meeting and decide that jerking off into a cup was too primitive and disgusting? Or were nurses just tired of holding hot cups of jizz in their hands?…
I try to be a good dad, but even so, I’ve been noticing this family drifting apart. We don’t talk as much at the dinner table. We don’t spend Sunday nights playing Clue as often as we used to. Our set of matching fishing poles is just collecting dust in the closet. I think this family needs to take a nice day trip. I know Bryan wants to go to the aviation museum, and Hilary loves the petting zoo in Greenwood, but I’ve got a better idea. I keep hearing about this “Glory Hole” up at the state park, and it sounds like just the thing.
I was going to clean out the garage this weekend, but the chance to commune with nature, standing in front of a Glory Hole, sounds far more alluring.
Before you know it, the kids will be going off to college. I want them to see some amazing sights while they’re still young. Some parents don’t care about providing their children with an education, but it’s important to me. A trip to see this Glory Hole might be even more enlightening than our recent trip to Ruby Ridge and the Porcupine Mountains.
Before we leave, I’ll do some research on the Internet, to get some details.…
Forget New York, forget Berlin. Los Angeles is where the glory holes are at.
I’ve been to gay sex clubs or bathhouses in Rome, Berlin, Vancouver, Miami, Orlando, and Fort Lauderdale, but I’ve never seen an orgy as pretty as the one I attended a few weeks ago in Los Angeles.
Orgies get a bad rap. Thanks to HIV propaganda and VH1 documentaries about the sex revolution, I have always assumed orgies only attract obese married dads on the DL. My exploratory visits to sex dens have confirmed this. With the exception of occasionally exchanging dick pics with British strangers via Snapchat, I’m a sexual basic bitch. I like rim jobs and missionary, but a few times my boner has taken over, and I’ve ended up in public sex spaces, where I saw stereotypes come to life. A tear fell down an old dude’s face after I refused to jack him off at the gay bathhouse next to the Vatican, and the time my friend Diva D and I got into a sex club in high school, a fat dude threw Diva D in a locker when he refused to fuck him.
When I moved to Los Angeles from Brooklyn in May, I had no intentions of going to an orgy ever.…
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